Not Seeing Is Believing

Some of the best conversations I've had in my life have been with people who aren't there.

I may be a freak or weirdo for admitting to it (though I know at least one other person who has confessed to the same), but I have had- and fully expect to continue having- discussions with imaginary people.

The people themselves aren't usually imaginary- they're friends, family, prospective paramours. I talk with them to work through dilemmas I'm having, or to make a trial run at a romantic scenario, or just to have a pleasant conversation with a familiar face that isn't physically present.

Maybe it's because I'm a writer, and like to practice dialoguing; maybe it's because I get bored talking to my own voice (whether in my head or aloud- yes, I'm one of those people at times). In any event, it is comforting to know that my loved ones are never quite as far mentally as they may be geographically.

Survival Guide

I love zombies.

I don’t say that as a prelude to a love-fest celebrating the resurgence of zombie films in popular media. Nor shall I rant against the ill-advised and uninformed re-imagining of zombies in several recent productions. (Though if you want to read about that sort of thing, Shaun of the Dead’s Simon Pegg elucidated wonderfully about it in this article from the Guardian.)

I mention it because, for much of my early adolescence, I was deeply terrified by zombies and other creatures of the night. Now they entertain me.

It all started one summer in 1980 or thereabouts. A local tv channel was showing horror movies in the afternoons, and with plenty of summer break time on our hands, my brother and friends and I took in a lot of them. Them!, Empire of the Ants; movies about killer snakes, giant spiders- they weren’t terribly good movies, but they were fun and scary. The one that truly terrorized me, though, was Son of the Blob. I find it amusing now, but after watching that film, I could not sleep at night without leaving a light on. Visions of a mindless, gelatinous mass slowly oozing its destructive path through the world, absorbing every fleshy body it touched into its corpulence and slowly digesting them filled my dreams with fright. Aside from the need for nocturnal illumination, I also couldn’t watch scary movies at all without breaking into pangs of fear.

Then one day, several years later, I got over it. Horror movies just didn’t faze me. No more nightmares. I even began to actually enjoy watching scary movies, or going to haunted houses for Halloween, and reading horror novels. Maybe I just grew out of it.

Or maybe I realized that real life is much scarier than any fiction.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. – H. P. Lovecraft (Supernatural Horror in Literature)

The thing that I love about zombies over any other horrific creation out there (no slight to the great and powerful Cthulhu intended), is that to me, they are metaphors. Zombies represent, for all intents and purposes, death. They are scary because, like death, they are inevitable. They are ponderous, but tireless; you can try and outrun them, and possibly succeed for a while, but they will always catch up with you in the end. They are free of malice; they’ll kill you because that’s their nature, their function- they don’t do it out of anger, or spite, or vengeance. And, more often than not, they appear in the guise of our friends and family- which is frightening on several levels. Do we not fear the loss of our loved ones? And how disturbing is it to think that we might not only outlive them, but that they might themselves be responsible for our deaths? You only hurt the ones you love.

To me, zombies are truly the iconic horror monsters because they epitomize that fear of the unknown. At least, to most people. Because most people view death as the great unknown horizon. Me, not so much.

Stop me if I’m getting too morbid, but to me death just- well, it just is. I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife, any great reward or punishment awaiting when we shuffle off this mortal coil. When this too, too solid flesh of mine finally gives out, that’s all there is to it, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t fear death because I know that it’s going to happen at some point, some day, and the rest of creation might as well cease to exist when I do because I won’t be here to testify that it didn’t. Very empiricist of me, I guess. Or solipsistic. As you will.

Horror writer H.P. Lovecraft believed that the true nature of the universe was so alien that any human mind attempting to comprehend it would descend into madness. To me, the sheer breadth of human activity is alien enough in many ways. Making choices, going through the motions, even just the tedium of mundane activities can just get too overwhelming to even begin to comprehend. (I hate having to constantly buy socks because I wear the heels out so much; and what kind of creator would have ever thought that dust was a good idea? Chalk one up to agnosticism.) Just the things required to do to maintain one’s solitary life can be maddening enough; factor in other people- their feelings, their routines, relationships- and it can be paralyzing.

Not long ago, a good friend challenged me to tell her something about myself that would surprise her, and I told her that I felt like the most terrible coward in the world. Much to my chagrin, she stoically nodded and said that didn’t surprise her at all. Now, I’d like to think I’m not that transparent (though, to her credit, she’s uncannily insightful), and I know she didn’t intend any slight in her assessment. Recently, though I’ve been considering that perhaps her lack of surprise was simply a recognition that being afraid is the only sane response to such an anarchic world as that in which we live.

In any event, such is the case: life, with all its myriad aspects, is horrifying to me. Much as I am dissatisfied with many of the things I do, there is a cold comfort in the familiarity of settling for less than I know that I’m capable of. I’ve spent a good part of my life underachieving. I know how to get by; I know how to do without, how to accept what comes my way and not go outside my comfort zone trying- and possibly failing- at attaining those things which I might truly desire. I think I’ve settled for so long that I no longer have a clear picture of what my real passions might be- if I ever did.

Which isn’t to say that I haven’t accomplished some wonderful things in my life, or that I regret every moment of it; that’s certainly not true. In spite of myself, I have managed to do and share some amazing experiences with many beautiful people.

It’s a struggle sometimes, though. To just slog through the day, feeling like I’m just going through the motions. Pretending at being like everyone else. Trying to avoid the craziness of being a cog in society’s endlessly grinding gears- because I’ve never quite understood why and how people allow themselves to become a part of the Rube Goldbergian machine that is modern society- and yet finding myself flitting in and out of the contraption anyway, because I ceaselessly fail to chart my own course.

To further complicate matters, I am horrible at seeking out and accepting help from others. I’m not entirely clear on why, though I think I can largely pinpoint two factors in my life. The first stems from a conversation I had with my brother shortly before I went away to college. I’d been lagging in applying to schools and for loans because I really wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go to college, or what I wanted to do; my brother was sternly trying to encourage me to get it in gear. His exact phrase was “to grab sac,” and make things happen, because no one else was going to do it for me. I don’t think he intended for me to take his words so fully to heart in the way I internalized them- as a testament to self-sufficiency to the point of virtual isolation- but that talk we had has always remained fairly vivid in my mind, so it was clearly formative.

The second big factor is probably my mom. She always seemed to live her life in the roles others selected for her rather than one she chose for herself. I know for a fact that she always wanted to write, and kept journals and poems that she wished she’d pursued. But instead, she opted to be: a daughter, a wife, a mother. When those roles ceased to be sustained by their instigators- upon the death of her parents, my parents’ separation and later divorce, her children growing up and moving on to their own lives- her world quickly and profoundly began to fall apart. Seeing that, living with that for as long as I did- it was pretty brutal to experience. And, I’m near certain, greatly informed my own decision to rely as little as possible on the assistance and influence of anyone outside of myself.

I’ve slowly been coming around to the realization- due to the love and companionship of such incredible friends and family- that what I do isn’t really important to them, just who I am. Even more, that who I am isn’t defined by what I do. It’s an incredibly liberating notion, and though I’ve miles and years yet before I truly comprehend and accept it, I feel it has helped me to be more open and able to accept the love of others than I ever have in my life prior. And to accept and be happy with who I am and what I have to offer as well.

Ultimately, the only one who really cares what I do with my life is me. I would definitely love to be doing something that I feel passionately about, that fulfills me. It could only make everything else that much more satisfying, and make me more complete. I just don’t know quite where to begin. It may be that I whatever I do doesn’t have to encompass my work or “career”; maybe just having more outside interests is a key.

Life is scary when you’re steering rudderless. But I hope I’m getting better at navigation; time will tell. In the meanwhile, if you’re looking for wisdom and insight into a harmonious nirvana, or how to walk that fine line of the Golden Mean, I might not be the best person to turn to. On the other hand, if there’s no more room in Hell and the dead start walking the Earth? There’s always room in the back of my armored truck for fellow survivors.

Fractals

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Funny Voices In My Head

Disclaimer: Not a Psychotic Rant (despite the title)

I've been working with a lot of legal documents lately in my current job, and when I read over the language, I can't help but hear the voice of Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons in my head.

"Know all men by these presents, that such and such (hereinafter called the Principal), and so and so (hereinafter called the Surety), are held and firmly bound unto whosamacallit (hereinafter called the Obligee), in the full and just sum of one bajillion dolloars, the payment of which sum, well and truly made, the said Principal and Surety bind themselves, and each of their heirs, administrators, executors, and assigns, jointly and severally, firmly by these presents.

It's chowda, darn you."

According to The Quick and Dirty Career Test, these are the things I should be doing with my life:

Your Career Personality: Independent, Insightful, and Ingenious

Your Ideal Careers: Architect Artist Business strategist College professor Computer programmer Mathematician Neurologist Philosopher Photographer Video game developer

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

Hmm.. about half of those look appealing. Maybe slightly more.

I didn't realize "Philosopher" was an occupation, though. Can you actually make money at that?

Life is like a Parking Lot

I read this in someone’s profile on OkCupid today:

“I understand now that you will always be alone in life. That your journey is just that- yours. Sometimes we are lucky enough to find that special person who will walk with us for a while and experience the same things and open up new paths... yet, life is solitary and I'm beginning to think the people that come into it- are fleeting... and WONDERful while they're there.

I wish someone would want to walk with me a little longer. “

It’s something that resonated with me, because it’s something that my bitter and jaded self has believed for a long time now. I really like the way she expressed it, but I would only add this:

The problem with finding someone to walk with is that most people seem to find it more convenient to drive around for ages in order to find a good parking spot than to hoof it that extra mile. Then, once they've found that spot, they seem generally loath to give it up because its convenient.

Don’t know if it’s laziness or something else, but that’s as apt a metaphor for the way people have relationships as any I can think of.

Maybe this is why I don't drive these days.

Research

Warning: This one's going to be a long one.

This morning, a friend of mine forwarded me an email that he had received:

Shocking Senatorial Votes

"Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and
beat you with experience." ~ anonymous

The following senators voted against making English the official language of America:
Now, the following are the senators who voted to give illegal aliens Social Security benefits. They are grouped by home state. If a state is not listed, there was no voting representative.

SEND THIS TO ALL YOU KNOW. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES NEEDS TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION, UNLESS THEY DON'T MIND SHARING THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY WITH FOREIGN WORKERS who didn't pay in a dime.

Editorial here by me: I snipped the list of senators because it just takes up too much space, and is pretty irrelevant to the point of this blog. I will note, however, that the senators listed are almost entirely Democrats, which does tie into the point of this blog somewhat.

In any event, the prominence of all the Democratic senators led me to the immediate assumption that this was some sort of partisan rant by some Republican emailer (probably not even a pol, but just some shmoe at home wanting to stir things up by mass e-mailing everyone he could.)

Now, I was never terribly politically minded until 9/11, like, I imagine, many people in the country. Never even voted until after that (or registered to vote!) Since then, I've found myself somewhat interested in politics and the political process, and I'll freely admit to being rather a liberal (gasp!) in my leanings- I'm a registered Independent, and I'm not terribly impressed by the Democrats largely (or Republicans) and vote with my conscience and try to do my research. FWIW, my favorite US president is a Republican (Jackson).

In any event, I figured that something wasn't right about this email, and did a bit of research. Took me all of 5 seconds to Google up some info:

Social Security

English Language

Now, I was taught to never rely on just one source in school, so I didn't take these entries at completely face value (besides they could be run by liberals!!!!). I'm not positive, but Snopes may be one of those Wikipedia like beasts that rely on user input and have little to no editorial control/fact-checking, but it was a start. It provided me with some handy links to something that should be rather reliable- our own US governmental Senate pages.

Anyway, after about 10-15 minutes of research, I sent off a response to my friend:

Looked into the Social Security thing- from what I can tell, it's a misrepresentation of the actual issue (probably an email sent out by some right wing nut trying to stir up trouble ;)). The Social Security thing was an amendment to a larger bill that was supposed to be a comprehensive border/immigration issue. The vote was actually a vote to table the motion to amend, and not a vote in favor/against of the motion itself. You can read more about it here.

The actual vote, with tallies of who voted for/against what, and what the issue was (as well as links to the text of the discussion and the bill and proposed amendments is available from our very own government, here: Social Security vote)

Same thing with the English Language thing, almost. There were two amendments that were voted on, that were somewhat contradictory. *Both* amendments were intended to recognize English as the official language of the United States (a correction I make to the email writers notion of "America"- we are not America, we are but one of the Americas).

The first is the one your email cites- amendment 4064, which wanted to recognize English and wanted to make certain that "no person has a right, entitlement, or claim to have the Government of the United States or any of its officials or representatives act, communicate, perform or provide services, or provide materials in any language other than English." In other words, people couldn't expect that, say, schools might provide instructional materials to assist their Spanish-speaking and raised children to assist them in better learning, say, English. The same would apply to *legal* non-English speaking residents/immigrants, of any non-US country.

Now, it's arguable that anyone in the US should have any rights or expectations that anyone would attempt to accomodate their language, though it's certainly a jingoistic view that isn't really shared in many places in the world (such as the European countries), but this amendment would have provided a legal recourse for, essentially, discrimination based on language.

In any event, here's how the vote actually played out in the Senate:

4064 vote

Now, amendment 4073 was essentially the same thing, but instead of placing restrictions, this is what its purpose was: "The Government of the United States shall preserve and enhance the role of English as the common and unifying language of America. Nothing herein shall diminish or expand any existing rights under the law of the United States relative to services or materials provided by the government of the United States in any language other than English."

Still recognizing English as the language of the US (and I just noted that the amendment itself refers to it as America, and not the US- ugh.), still recognizing the language, but not providing any prohibitions on how the recognition of other languages might be performed. If nothing else, it could be perceived by the more cynical among us (myself) as a means of preventing a bunch more frivolous lawsuits in our overly litigious society whereby someone (under the first proposed amendment) might decide to sue a teacher who was speaking spanish to her spanish-speaking kids in class, and english to her english-speaking kids, in an effort to teach both.

4073 vote

Interestingly, 12 Republicans voted in favor of both amendments, while no Democrats voted against 4074 (as opposed to 4073, which was was more split). So it does seem to have been a partisan issue.

Also, the same three voters declined to vote in both issues:

(Those three were erroneously counted in the emails assertion that "38" voted against making English the "official language").

Now, since both votes on both amendments passed, I'm currently unclear as to exactly where that leaves things- still researching that. For all I know, the larger bill never was signed into law in the first place, making the issue sort of moot. If so, then both amendments are contradictory, so again, not sure what that means.

Anyway, just some further research on the topic to mull over.

Editorial- Once more, I've removed lists of voting Senators names. They're linked, for one, if anyone cares, and two, it's not relevant to my point. Which I'm finally getting to.

THE POINT (At last!)

It took me all of 15 - 20 minutes, including gathering my thoughts, typing, and editing, to do all of this research. That's it. Just a few minutes to figure some things out and see that someone was only presenting a skewed version of the "facts" with a very obvious agenda to push. Now, it is certainly a partisan issue, as the actual votes show, but the original email doesn't make nearly clear the grey areas of the actual issues.

The point is, how many people out there get outraged and upset by emails/comments, etc like this (on any side of the issue, any issue) and don't bother to check into things. My friend even pointed out that it might be worth looking into, but I'm sure that most people can't be bothered and just take things on face value, confident that someone else must have done the research and knows what they are talking about.

5 seconds to Google. 10 minutes (maybe) to read over the well documented and hyperlinked pages on the US Senate website (there are even transcripts of the actual sessions linked there to read over if you really want to get the lowdown on who said what/when/why/what they were wearing).

In this information era, there is absolutely no reason for people to not take a few seconds or minutes out of their day to try and get informed about things.

That's how wars get started.

My name is Vayne, Boris Vayne.

Who knew that Batman was really Russian?



Russia spy HQ has giant batman mural on floor

Been a while, I know

Yes, it's been quite a while since my last blog. Maybe I'll try and keep this thing more up to date.

In the meantime, who says the increasing violence in video games isn't a problem:

Wii Have a Problem

Napoleon's Pet

From the files of Things I Learned in Movies That I Never Thought Would Be True:

"It's pretty much my favorite animal.

Daily Affirmations

Sort of fitting, I suppose, that since my last blog was about Credit Card Fraud, that this one should be about the fraud that I often feel like. I constantly feel like I am not as good as people tell me I am, that I cannot possibly live up to their (or my own) expectations. Today that phenomenon hit a real note with me, as I dropped the ball on the new student orientation at my school. The students were all taken care of, and got the essentials out of everything that they needed, but there were a lot of little details along the way that I could have, or felt I should have, taken care of to smooth things out. A few details, but when added all together they made a real mess, at least to my perception and (from the frustrated reactions of coworkers) others as well.

I've felt for months now, ever since I took this new position, that I am a fraud, that I got the position not by merit, but by luck, or by fooling others into believing that I am more capable than I am. I mentioned this to my dad this evening, and he pointed out that the feeling is common, and that it is well documented. Sure enough, the phenomenon is fairly well documented, and is known as "Impostor Syndrome" or "Impostor Phenomenon." Only a few short weeks ago, a friend of mine pointed out the symptoms to me, and finally, thanks to my dad, I was able to put a name to the symptoms that I've been struggling with for, literally, years.

Sad to say that there doesn't seem to be any quick fix from those who have identified the phenomenon- a very modern (American?) hope. In any case, I hope that I can finally begin to wrestle with and overcome it, maybe to be the success that I know I can, if I would only allow myself to be.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me." - Stuart Smalley

For more information on Impostor Syndrome, check out these sites:

http://www.impostersyndrome.com/
http://www.counseling.caltech.edu/articles/The%20Imposter%20Syndrome.htm
http://talentdevelop.com/impostor.html

Credit Card Fraud

My first experience with online credit card fraud happened today.

When doing my monthly bill paying/checkbook balance ritual, I noticed a couple of charges for $9.95 from two online companies I've never heard of- Moball LLC and U-Webtemplate.com

Now, I do use my credit card online from time to time- most notably with a recent surge of Ebay purchases a couple of months ago- and I'm pretty aware of the transactions. I keep all records of them in my email, so I can go back and double check a charge if I'm unsure of where it came from.

No record of these companies, and just the names sounded off (in particular, the U-Webtemplate one- I do my own html programming, and use Eversoft Firstpage- freeware- for my web design, so I know I've never made a purchase for any sort of web template.)

I did a little bit of research online, and found a couple of places where other people had been victims of fraudulent charges by these two companies. Most notably, at Robert K. Brown's blog. A quick look over that blog shows that many, many people have been the victims of this fraud.

Sadly, outside of blogs, no one in the mainstream media seems to have taken any notice of this, or cared enough to report it. From a lot of the posts, it doesn't even seem like the credit card companies are all that concerned about it themselves.

Anyway, long story short, I called my bank, cancelled my card, and filed a fraud charge with them. Hopefully that will take care of things.

In any case, I hope the awareness of these fraudulent companies will be raised, and hope that this blog will help a little bit. Be careful!

Some links:

A Work In Progress: U-Webtemplate
A Work In Progress: Digital Age Update
Credit Card Fraud Security
Internet Crime Complaint Center

Dial "S" for Smell

Alternative title for this blog: Smell My Cell

From Mobile media:

Samsung Develops 'Smell Tones'

Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:14 pm "Samsung Electronics has developed a perfume spraying cell phone to release "smell tones" when incoming calls are received. Photo: Mobile phone with perfume spraying apparatus According to the recently filed patent application, controls are also available to adjust the type or amount of perfume sprayed. And when the perfume is used up, exchangeable cartridges can be reloaded. The invention uses a pressurized heating chamber to store one or more scents. Using an ultrasonic controller triggered by the press of a button or an incoming call, perfume is excited and released into the air. However practicality may hinder its integration and eventual product release. The spray unit adds considerable bulk, contrary to slimmer and smaller market trends. "It may be difficult to embed a perfume spraying apparatus in a small and lightweight mobile phone," the application states. And more fundamentally, "the perfume may stain the mobile phone or the user's clothes." Mobile multimedia has grown to become a $9.1 billion industry. With ringtones and more recently ringback tones projected at making up 12% of total music sales by 2008, consumers continue to look for new customizations. And Samsung is hard at work to find new ways to differentiate mobile phones."

Wow- as if I needed another reason not to get a cell phone. Now people have to worry about their practical joker buddies swapping out their perfumed cartridges with the inevitable "joke fart smell" cartridges that will come out via third party vendors.

Although it does provide people with chronic gas problems an out to cover up their physical dilemma.

"Hey, Joe, did you just let one rip?"

"Not me, man- it was my cell phone. Excuse me while I take this call."

Is he strong? Listen, bub...

Spider-Man 3 trailer is up at Sony's website:

Trailer

It looks pretty cool. I never quite got the whole "Venom" thing, though. The whole appeal of that character. He's, what, an embittered photojournalist in the alien suit that Spider-Man brought back from Battleworld? (Secret Wars reference. Yes, I'm a comic geek.)



In other words, he's just a bulked up, psychotic Peter Parker in black and white with a ridiculously oversized jaw and gigantic tongue who drools all over the place. Big whoop.

(Don't even get me started on the whole "Venom: Lethal Protector" thing from the 90's. Geek.)

Still, it looks like it should be pretty cool, although I fear that they may be going into the Batman Returns "put too many elements into the mixture" bit- I count Sandman, Venom (Parker and Eddie Brock versions), Green/Hobgoblin, and Black Cat (or at least Felicia Hardy, the platinum blonde Pete's dancing with). Overkill? We'll see.

Governmental Efficiency Rant

I've been trying to contact the immigration office all morning, in order to do some investigative work for my job. It took me at least 20 minutes to navigate through the phone options before I could finally find an option that would connect me to, you know, a live person. Then, when I did that, I was informed that the wait would be at least 30 minutes, but a good time to try them might be on Wednesday or Thursday. Then the automated service hung up on me.

Tried again 40 minutes later, and after holding for another 20 minutes, I get through to a person. She begins asking me all sorts of questions that I know are not related to my issue, so I cut her off and ask the real question I need answered. She then informs me that I need to call a different number, since I am a DSO.

Fine. I call that number, and get through to a live operator (once again, about a 20 minute wait). When I get through to her, and describe the problem, she refers me back to the first number. "But I already called them, and they referred me to you," I say. She says she knows, that it isn't the first time that has happened, and that they shouldn't have done that. But I need to talk to the people at the first number.

So that's what, close to two hours of my day gone, and still without an answer to my original question? Geez. I can see where some governmental spending cuts could be made right there.

Post the First

Dabbled (ever so briefly) with blogging a couple of years ago, but something in me decided it's time to give this a real shot. Not that I have anything particularly noteworthy to say, I guess, but I'm hopeful that it will help me to focus my thoughts a bit. Anyway.

That's the first one. Yippee!